Posts Tagged With: hospital

My today’s status on facebook…the truth about my life

Yesterday, when the ambulance doctor came into my house, she gave me a note to go to the emergency hospital at the surgery department, and the note is valid 24 hours. I really want to be alive. My mother insisted very much yesterday that I should not call the emergency service. Then I insisted asking the doctor if I should still go to the emergency if my leg will be better and she said yes. Both my legs were swollen with cramps (and this is not the first time), the wound is still there and horrible since December last year, I cannot walk at all, my left leg (the amputated one) was red and almost insensitive and swollen and almost bigger than my hip. This morning, my mother told me on the phone that I must not call the emergency service like the doctor said repeatedly that I must do, because we must avoid a circus in front of the neighbors!!! This is how my mother thinks. After all she tortured me more than 30 years and told me that she want me dead indirectly since I was 13 in 1984, when she started to beat me each day and to scream for hours each day against me. I was perfectly normal and I still am but she threatened that she will lock me into psychiatric care (and this means murder) and then she did this when I was 21. I did absolutely nothing wrong my whole life, I never sinned, I never thought something bad, I never did evil and I never spoke evil. And now she will scream again that we don’t have money, because with less than 300 euros a month it is very hard. My wound is still there, the leg is better, but still partly insensitive (much less) and this mother (my only relationship) wants me to stay home…I still have abdominal pains in three regions, sometimes very powerful and other symptoms. I don’t understand, why they didn’t treat me.

Plus: I had to rewrite my whole status here again because as usual, when I write the truth someone deletes it from my computer….I don’t know what to do.

I still have troubles with my stool, and my family doctor says that my analysis are ok, but I had many times blood in my stool and my stool is very thin, like a thick pencil….for God’s sake I did nothing wrong, why isn’t there a treatment? Maybe now,
because I was always alone, no one will answer….and I am very obese because of other troubles and horrible hunger…

(and now my mother doesn’t answer the phone for half an hour although she knows my situation !! I spoke to her half an hour ago and she said that i must not go the hospital and then I cannot contact her anymore so I won’t have food or water and I won’t be able to go the hospital anyway. Now she answered and she said that she spoke to her brother half an hour…her brother wished me happy birthday 2 days ago saying that my mother suffers because of me. He is an evil person, he wanted of course his 67 years old mother dead after she paralyzed and shoved me out from the house where i helped her, then she died although she recovered partly. I have none in this world but these 2 persons, my mother and her brother).

Now I tell again that I never heard “voices” but someone just entered my mind with the thought ” STAY REASSURED BECAUSE NO ONE WILL BELIEVE HER” in Romanian.

My leg was really red and warm and very swollen and painful.

I am not guilty. My mother came and scolds me, yells and says that I am yelling. Yesterday the family doctor asked me to call the ambulance and the ambulance doctor gave me a note for going today with another ambulance at the hospital. She insisted that I should call them to take me there. My mother said that one is stupid and that she cannot transport me back home from there. Still I called the ambulance. I am not guilty about that, my health is deteriorated, not only my legs. Then my mother yelled again to me, exactly like yesterday that I shouldn’t have called for the ambulance. Now she’s with me…

I went to the hospital finally. But my legs were already almost at their normal dimensions and no more reddish or warm. No more cramps. I complained about my other symptoms — about the blood in the stool, thin stool and the inguinal pain and abdominal pain and pain in the chest lately (I think it may be the heart, the pain is strong enough, like needles all over my chest and it lasts about 2-3 hours. It is true, it happened to me only a few times until now). They said they can do nothing about it and send me back home without any further recommendations apart from 5 days antibiotics. It is true that they said that I must keep my legs upwards if it is painful. On my way back my mother made many reproaches to me, and said many times that she was right and when we arrived home she pestered me a lot and said that she is happy that she changed half an hour ago the fabric cover atop crutches in order for the people to see something clean. Meanwhile, some thoughts entered my mind saying that they must fuck me in the ass and they they must close my mouth forever. These are not my thoughts! They also said that this is the medical system and the insane people have no right to medical treatment. Then I asked in my thought: what do you mean by insane? And they said: those who are fucked. My mother bought me some food and then left. When I began to eat someone entered my mind saying: may this stay in your throat. And it is not the first time, it happened to me 7-8 times until now, exactly when I start to eat. Someone also entered my mind saying that I must understand that I have to commit suicide.

they kept me only a few minutes in the hospital and said that my leg is normal and now it is swollen again, I still want to live, I will not commit suicide, if you won’t hear something else about me in the next few days if I recover, this means that they killed me

Wednesday, 6:30 PM in Bucharest, I have again itches on my hands. Please forgive me if I offended someone with my health report, I really am not the whining type…I never had someone to talk with and I said only the truth my whole life…and now…If I will recover i will post something, one of my poems, a new one…I hope it will be me and not a hacker, now I am depressed because of all my pains and solitude and my mother’s mockery…

today, 19 Feb. 2015
I know it is useless to complain…every day is the same. Today my internet connection was partly lost. I can still access this blog and facebook but my google account is inaccessible, also my blogger blogs…or anything I search on google. I cannot access youtube to watch a free video with an old movie or music for free. I am immobilized at home and almost money-less without any guilt and alone with all the problems above. Yahoo also doesn’t work at all, except for my yahoo mail. But my google mail, which I needed doesn’t work for now. Poetry on different sites and on my blogs in Romanian especially was my whole life and now they took it away. Also my wound got worse after the hospital check…I can say now that my mother was right that I shouldn’t have gone there. I renounced tv a long time ago because I don’t have money for that too, and I am totally alone, no one to talk with.
I cannot even search for free dictionaries on the net! I used to use them to translate my poems into English.

Categories: Memories | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

Potty Song

there was a man in the hospital yard
piles of bitter words
flowing by the corners of his  mouth
like downpour in the trough

I wasn’t sure
if I saw the future or the past
on his face the years left uncertain prints
words wounding
like a hoe slowly pulling potatoes from their nest
„it’s not true that a sword
doesn’t cut off a bent head”

I remembered that the fool on the hill
knows better how the sun sets
while I cry
that mom killed my Norwegian snowdrops
and my sweet singing budgie
without being able to say why
without being allowed to say something
about the man haunting any alley
with his head bent down

Categories: My poems in 2013 | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Chestnut Shadows

Right before sunset
when lights are swimming
like copper-colored fish
near the water’s surface
a bitter desire for freedom used to heat me up.

I ran in the wheelchair
with my hardened hands instead of soles,
keeping my life directly in my palms,
wandering on the alley with the morgue,
swallowing chunks of air
embalmed with chestnut flower.

Everything guffawed around me:
the patients laughing because I was cripple,
the nurses indignant because I vomited in my bed,
the children from the pediatric section,
the empty pots cast to the ground at the refectory,
the jars on the upper morgue window
filled with didactic brain substance…
all of them were yellow of laughter
like sick leaves.

I turned the wheels faster and faster,
always on the alleys’ center,
bending for some leaf
like a palm with contorted fingers
under the holy sun.

I had forgotten to cry,
I had forgotten I never laughed

Categories: My Poems in 2012 | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

Somewhere in Spring

the neon lights is stifling
dry carnations on the night table
a breeze slips
through the half opened window
blowing chestnut flowers
fresh thorns in a stretched palm
perfusion tubes stagger slightly
the patient’s moan clings
to the upper bar of feelings
in a crowded trolley bus
visitors come and go
the old woman falls asleep
crouching in her bed
like a child on nut shells
facing the corner

in the morning chloride vapors blend
on the floor shining like melting ice
life monitors in the emergency room
are ticking and buzzing
louder than wasp swarms
a round spot of sunlight
fills in a honeycomb on the bed sheets
it is still spring

Categories: My Poems in 2010 | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Operation

the surgeon japes coarsely about death
as if he were taunting an old cocotte
the patient keeps silent bottling up inside
waking up below
accepting in extremis to reenter his placenta
under bright lamps and blades
like a premature baby

his eyelids are beating from heart to heart
he’s set free among valves
looking around him
bloody defeated fighting with cut off flesh
taken out from the place where the spirit
closes up like handcuffs on a virgin’s hand

the lights are whirling and stinging under retina
in the recovery room for a long time
the same day staff replaces the night staff
it’s like a white dream with hidden thorns
the patient is still sleeping
perfusion serum drips in his blood
as if it were a silent hailstorm

he wakes up again without any thought
without looking to himself
floating like fresh egg yolk in the glair
wrapped in stamped crumpled bed sheets

he will wear the same name
shedding his old snake skin
crawling brand-new in a new world
biting deeper with his front teeth
even the moon as big as she is
doesn’t stay always in her sky

Categories: My Poems in 2011 | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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